Steve Ornstein – My First Birthday without Elisheva (Liz) z”l
How many times I have tried or rather wanted to write about my relationship of 48 years with Liz but always found it difficult to put it to paper. Why is it after her passing that I am so sorry that as much as I loved her and as much as we shared so much together my heart still was unable to embrace all of her endless love, she so generously shared.
It pains me that all of me was unable to embrace all of her in such a deep way that she deserved as my companion, mother of our wonderful children, and my dear close friend.
Daily life too with its challenges and the raising of three children often took me away from the ability to be there for all of them while earning a living.
It was only later as the children grew older that I understood her encouragement to spend more time getting involved with the kid’s extra activities in Jr high and H.S. while living in the States.
Despite working with my dad and trying to make a decent living to support our families’ modest needs I came to the conclusion that my family’s activities and especially the kid’s activities need to take priority over making money. I have never regretted it for one moment.
Our intimate moments including our first meeting at Ananda Ashram in Monroe N.Y. was so special. Playing around and having so many love interests on my plate with no real deep serious feelings except for the love of sex and sensuality that occupied myself at the time.
Until this woman appeared one day on a retreat at the Ashram to get away from the hustle and bustle of New York City. It was there that I eyed her presence and as we both sat on a high brick wall overlooking the lake, I asked her if she would like a cup of tea. Since I oversaw the bread making business, I always had access to the kitchen and made us some tea. We talked and laughed and shared little things about our lives. I then kissed her on the shoulder, and we went our respective ways.
I remember thinking about her and realizing I had never met anyone quite like her before. She was a woman in every sense of the word. As young man in his twenties to finally meet a mature woman that encompassed so much of the lightness and seriousness of life was scary and inviting at the same time.
So, with June approaching, her birthday on the second and her passing on the 27th of the same month we have agreed to celebrate her life rather than mourn her passing as there is so much to celebrate about this amazing human being that spread spiritual understanding and insight as a student of Torah (bible) through the years. Everyone I know that has met her in some capacity over the years we lived in the U.S. and after moving to Israel respected her and always wanted to be a part of our Shabbat meals and activities.
Even up to her passing when we sat shiva our friends and acquaintances shared Liz’s impact on their lives. I keep praying, meditating daily for the ability to open my heart and soul as much as possible to feel the multi-layers of being a conscious, Jewish, husband, parent, grandparent, and friend.
There is so much we all can share in our experience and wisdom as unique individuals and as “community beings” expressing our love and clarity of mind, body, and soul with the ever presence of something much greater than ourselves.
I thought I could one day process the amazing relationship I had with Liz. But it fails in every sense of the word. She now is a missing piece of my life after being together for 48 years.
I think of her daily and wonder if I could just give her one more hug. One more kiss, just one more moment of sharing how much I loved her. But all I get are my tears that flow so easily from my being that I wonder sometimes if the pain and suffering of life is what makes us who we are today. Yes of course the Joy of life and the blessings of being alive and sharing family experiences and the wonderful blessing I have been given of friendship throughout my life is the greatest of gifts, BUT.
We have both witnessed, experienced sitting with many of the “great” masters of spirituality and awakening of our time. All were special in their insights and experience including their personal trials and tribulations and their failures. But while disappointed by some of their actions it only showed me the path to live a conscious and ever-present life is a moment-to-moment experience.
Not an easy task when you are in the midst of raising a family, working and exhausted. But the struggles we shared as a seeker of “TRUTH” and observer of life while taking each breath as if it were ones last. The challenge of meditation and the enormous challenges of quieting the mind enough to let the “light” shine in and see the greatness of “being”. So easy to forget living the everyday life. The times when forgiveness and charity stretch ones being beyond what would have been imagined.
I pray, cry, freak-out with thoughts that create drama and no solutions. I sit and thank the powers that be for the opportunity to be of ONE mind, soul and spirit.
Silence enters after struggling to not struggle and stop doing and breathe through all the road-blocks set up by my mind’s creation pulling here and there until it CEASES to be anything but a puff of smoke that disappears as it entered. Then in this “quietness” and “calm there is an expanse beyond what is capable with effort and just BE, taking in everything that is present. From the barking of the dogs, the cars moving by, the birds chirping, humans loudly conversing and then with all the outward “noise” it becomes a melody of great expanse.
I miss you, Liz! We all miss you!
