As I left the retreat saying goodbyes to a few people that touched me most during my stay I found myself in a taxi with my friend Moshe on the way to Haifa for the train to Tel Aviv. Everything appeared different, somewhat special in a normal sort of way as normal as my breath. I have been practicing different varieties of meditation for over 30 years and “mindful meditation” for over 8 years now. But never have I sat for a 7 day” silent” Jewish Meditation practice in Israel. In fact this was a first ever Silent Jewish Meditation retreat in Israel at the Kibbutz Hannaton Educational and Spiritual Center.
The setting was superb and the week was full of glorious weather, warm sunny days and cool clear nights. It has been almost 5 years since returning to Israel as I looked forward to this opportunity to sit, learn, walk, eat and to do service in silence. I have been blessed having spent a number of ten day silent retreats with my teacher Norman Fischer and co-teachers Jeff and Joanna Roth, both ordained Rabbis who were featured at the Israel retreat along with Rabbi James a teacher at Pardess in Jerusalem.
I knew the ropes and the difficulty practicing silence, which I was not all that successful 100% of the time, but nevertheless was the goal. The difficulty of crossing over from my regular practice of daily prayer and meditation immediately became apparent as my mind raced through a rapid succession of thoughts piercing the silence with a level of internal noise that could rival any busy Tel Aviv street. Ah Ha.. The trip begins and the adventure of intensive work of observation and non-judgmental witnessing unfolded across the length and breath of my day. Breathing in and out and moving across the varied emotions that surfaced: anger, fear, regret, disappointment, and criticism interspersed with deep feelings of love for family.
This road less traveled found ravines so deep and dangerous that only the cracks in the crevices allowed light to reveal many of the painful reminders of parts of myself that just aren’t very pretty to look at. But there they were and the emotions that swelled up as if the ravine became full of water rising quickly to the top only to be embodied in my vessel that shook from the eruption of knowing. My personal hell was being revealed and I was practicing letting go. I Witnessed the thoughts appear across my mind and left with an occasional feeling and bodily response.
After a few days of this kind of activity as my body ached from the long periods of sitting, a warmth and comfort of spirit began to prevail. It was as if all my thoughts were no longer attached to me. They were certainly my thoughts but were no longer affecting me the same way. They just were what they were, thoughts, dialogues, internal traffic of various impulses. The feelings and bodily manifestations were also a fertile soil for these thoughts to move through freely with a gentle and loving release.
The Shabbat was a myriad of chants, singing, teaching and Torah interspersed with silent meditation and individual prayer.
Upon returning to the world of speech and hustle and bustle of daily life, recognition of the need to leave behind much of the distractions that previously occupied me with little benefit, ceased to hold me any longer. Back at home I am grateful and blessed to be here and now with family, friends, and strangers and of course myself.
