Predictions for 2022 getty
Howard Epstein – ISRAEL LETTER – MY PREDICTIONS FOR 2022
January
In an unprecedented universal pang of guilt (and because they want unlimited supplies of a so-far-unnamed Israeli Covid-beating drug), 125 states who voted at the UN just before Christmas 2021 to fund an open-ended Commission of Inquiry into “Israeli war crimes”, reverse their position and resolve to apply the funds towards deprived families in Israeli development towns. The non-military head of Hamas comments, “Justice at last for our Jewish cousins (assuming our share of the drug arrives soon – otherwise we’ll accidentally send more missiles into those towns)”.
February
Former Israeli PM, Bibi Netanyahu, pledges to tell all he knows about submarines on Israel TV, referring to The Beatles as his inspiration. The long-running satirical show, Eretz Nehederet, announces that in future the character of Bibi will be played by Bibi, as “you couldn’t make it up”.
March
Israel’s PM, Naftali Bennett, when asked his opinion of US president, Joe Biden, promptly falls asleep. His spokesman explains, “He did so as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”.
April
Israeli Foreign Minister, Yair Lapid, announces two new adherents to the Abraham Accords: Belgium (because they want “to atone for repeated displays of anti-Semitism on their streets – and to receive unlimited supplies of an Israeli Covid-beating drug”) and Tibet (because they “never had a problem with Jews” and they “want to influence their beloved Chinese neighbours”).
May
Students at American universities are provided with yellow stars to sew onto their clothing if they “think it will help define them”. Members of Young Ku Klux Klan are told they are exempt.
June
The New York Times amends its banner: “All the news that fit to print” by adding a question mark. It says it is the start of its own “healing process”, and it hopes to be placed into the Basket of the Reformables. It makes up for including only a handful of articles about the Holocaust during the years of WWII by publishing a pull-out supplement of “all that we ought to have written”, but it proves too heavy even for its Sunday edition.
July
Israeli synthetic meat producer, Future Meat Technologies, receives visits from several authorities permitted to supervise shechita under the newly-liberalised regime. All lobby the government to forbid the production of meat substitutes “otherwise we will be out of business”. The government responds by demanding that the producers pay higher taxes “unless they produce synthetic gribeners, knishes and schmalz”. The producers say, “No way. There are endless quantities of schmalz in Hollywood”.
August
Piers Corbyn, the intellectual brother of the wannabe British PM, protests that disproportionate numbers of Jews have won and Israelis “in Palestine” continue to win undeserved Nobel prizes on the basis that, not content with (according to US Congressperson, Marjorie Taylor Greene) merely setting parts of California on fire with space lasers, the Rothschilds have been bribing the Nobel committees for decades. Suha Arafat goes on hunger strike until she realises that Corbyn had not meant to include her dear-departed husband.
September
In an effort to counter the effects of a third Rosh Hashana with low synagogue attendance, every Israeli family that commits to attend all six services is offered vouchers for a month’s supply of synthetic Kosher meat. An “anti-vouchers” protest movement is started on Facebook but the site crashes repeatedly and is abandoned. The vouchers are given to an Israeli start-up pledging to make artificial Kosher sea bass out of paper.
October
The Israeli Covid-beating drug is finally named Ah Zoy and is available for free to people who want to feel “so so”. 125 UN member countries claim it to have been a Jewish trick and recommit to punishing Israeli war crimes until the mistake of approving the November 1947 resolution of the UN is corrected by Israel’s disappearance. Israel’s GDP per capita is disclosed to exceed that of Iran by a factor of three and the population trends towards ten million. The military head of Hamas says more missiles will be launched “as a result of lightning strikes”.
November
Israel basks in temperatures that extend the tanning season into winter. Representative Greene alleges, “Little children on Pacific islands are drowning in their millions so that Israelis can enjoy perma-tans.” Preening in front of a mirror, Greene spits, “Was there ever anyone more egoistic and deluded as the Jew? It was the Jew who runs Twitter that banned me for life!” Twitter CEO, Parag Agrawal, declines to comment.
December
The said 125 UN states’ members declare their determination to launch a parallel “Israeli war crimes” enquiry “just to be sure”, but they all catch the latest variant of the pandemic, UNOcron. They go into panic mode when they learn, too late, in the General Assembly that the latest strain involves spontaneous combustion in case of assembling in large groups and getting over-excited.
Reprinted by Kind Permission of the Jewish Telegraph Circulating in the UK
© Howard Epstein – January 2022
